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| Sometimes I feel like an incredibly horrible person. I feel like I'm stuck choosing between bad and bad. I wish that I wasn't so near-sighted, otherwise I could make the best decision. What does a girl do when she feels so forced and tied down to her best friend? What does a girl do when she doesn't measure up to her best friend no matter how hard she tries? What does a girl do when she tries to leave and fails at even that?? How do I tell her that I can't take it anymore? How do I tell her that I want out? How do I tell her that the freedom of grace that God promised me when I chose him? How do I tell her that she makes me feel like the worst person to be friends with? I can't take it anymore. I don't want to go to bed sad and disappointed anymore. I don't want to go to bed a disappointment anymore. She and I had some amazing times shaking orange juice, making eggs, serving coffee. Early morning walks. Double solitaire for hours. Josh Roe. Cut-throat cribbage for hours. 200-some leather crosses. Joe. Camp. Granite. Sleeping in Jim's yard. Hospital runs at 2am. "How long has it been?". Laughing. Frostys. Serving. Camp worship. Epicenter. Almost being hit by a car. DCLA. Tubing. Swinging. Playing catch. Dora. Sliding down the stairs in sleeping bags. The big slide. Being baptized. Apple pies. Raiding cabins in the middle of the night. The Fish House. Adrian. Acquire the Fire. Oatmeal fights. Uncle Randy. Tackle Spoons. Ice Cream. We also had some not so good times. Sam's brother's suicide. Jeff's accidental overdose. Jordan's untimely, horrific death. Joe leaving. Cwiks leaving. Frustration. Unmet expectations. People really do grow apart and relationships really do gradually disintegrate, despite all efforts to keep it together. I see that and I'm slowly becoming okay with that. She's not and I don't want to hurt her. How will she take it? Will her thoughts of suicide come back? Will it be my fault? I prayed and cried and prayed some more. God said, "Just love her." I don't want to talk to her, but I just want her to listen. She needs to know what she means to me. I have failed in letting her know, so maybe it is my fault. For two weeks, I will love her with my words. I believe that God will take it from there. I don't want to love her anymore. I don't want the relationship to be fixed, I just want it to be over. But it's not up to me, it's up to God, ultimately. So, I will love her. Father, thank you for your grace and your patience. Please help me to love her. I know she needs it; we all need it. This is where I'm weak, so weak. I will trust in you. I have found rest in you. Please give me the strength and the love to face the enemy's attack. I need you so desparately. Thank you. | | |
| What is this? What is this life I've chosen for myself? Or have I? Did I choose this, or did Someone else? I'm so tired of school. I'm sick of writing, writing, writing. I think I'm always writing. Oh wait, that's what I'm doing now. But this is different...here I can vent. Here I won't be graded, I'm not pressured, and I'm not judged. I'm not labeled as a good student or a bad student. I don't get paid because I'm good and I don't get penalized because I'm bad. I just write. How did I get cursed with a writing-intensive American History class and a writing class in which we write about American History? It's as if there's a purpose...since I don't believe in coincidence, it is purposeful. But I can't see it now and that's extremely discouraging. I just want to sleep, and my parents are encouraging it. But my wired mind is screaming at me to stay up and finish my English paper and my History paper and discussion tonight. It's quite possible that I'll stay up all night. But it's only Friday, and I should be getting some sleep. But tomorrow I have to work, and then I'm going to a funeral, then to a birthday party, and then home to write some more. And then Sunday I'll probably skip church so that I can finish writing this round of papers. Does that make me a heathen? I want to go to church--I love it. Should I have to give up something I love to do something I hate? I don't think so, but that's the reality of a college-student's life. I suppose that I shouldn't even be complaining about any of this. Afterall, I am paying for it. I have the privilege of paying for it. I just feel like I'm drowing in all of the things I have yet to do. Father, thank You so much for giving me the opportunity to study my nation's history and to learn to communicate. I know that someday this will come in handy, because you work all things for the good. Please help me to manage my time wisely and to be efficient at this paper-writing thing this weekend. Please give me more sleep than the few hours I'm allowed this weekend. I need your strength. Help me to glorify You in all that I do. And please speak through Beav tomorrow--bless her words and shine through her like never before. Thank You, Lord! ~Mariah I feel better now...please don't be worried about me, I'm just venting... | | |
| Most of today was a good day. I didn't have to work, so that was nice. But, I did show up at work and I saw Dan again. I see him everyday, which is fine. He's fun to be around, but sometime's he's frustrating, and then he's hard to be around. Today he saw a bracelet I was wearing and he said, "Another bracelet?? Take it off! What does it take to change you??" Appalled by that statement, I said, "This is me, Daniel, take it or leave it." Why is it that people try to change us? Why can't we be free to be who we are without persecution? Some days I just can't wait for Jesus to take me to Heaven. But at the same time, I feel like I'm not ready. There's so much I still want to do and so many people that I still want to reach--Dan is one of them. I've grown to care about this guy who is simultaneously my friend and my foe. He used to go to church and read the Bible, but not anymore. It's sad... So, I don't really know what to do about this guy. I don't know what to say to him and that's incredibly frustrating. Father, thank you so much for the priviledge of suffering for you. Thank you for providing the opportunities for me to be a witness to Daniel. Please shine through me and give me the words I need to say to him. Soften his heart and give him a desire to know the Truth. Please give me the strength to withstand the heat, and give me patience because Dan drains me of it :) I pray this in Jesus' name, amen. Mariah | | |
| I'm pretty much ecstatic now...I've finished with my finals and they all went well. So exciting! And, in 10 days, I'll be leaving for TC. I have to memorize the 4 Spiritual Laws still...haven't even started  . I'm not worried, though, because I'm fairly good at memorizing. My plans for today: visit Grandma Eva, clean my room, clean my bathroom, clean the kitchen floor. I have to work at 5:30, and since Grandma always keeps me for a long time, I gotta limit my to-do list  .
God has been amazing. I only need $625 for Costa Rica! Yesterday I raised $800...holy cow! I still have a couple more checks coming and am doing a garage sale this weekend. I'm not worried at all about raising the money. All I want now is a digital camera to take thousands of pics with. Oooh...I'm so excited that it's not even funny! K, I gotta get going to Grandma's house...she'll be glad to see me  .
~Mariah | | |
| So it's only 10:30 pm, but I've been up since 5 am...I'm tired. Yet today was a good day, so I'm not going to complain anymore.
On my way to school, I was listening to Shawn McDonald's Simply Nothing cd. I love it. I pray the words as I sing them, usually. The song Open Me is an awesome song, and I hope everyone gets to listen to it. As I was singing/praying them this morning, I tried to understand what the chorus meant for me as God's daughter. This is my prayer for all of us going on a Royal Servants mission trip this summer (18 days!!!).
Will You touch my eyes so I can see?
While I'm down in Costa Rica, I want to be completely useable by God. I want to see the people as He sees them; I want to view them through God's eyes. Only then can I truly appreciate His creation and yearn for the lost souls to be found.
Will You touch my ears so I can hear?
A lot will happen and a lot will be said. Because I'm going to be in a foreign country listening to people in a foreign language, there's a lot that I can miss. I don't want to miss any of it. I believe that God can supernaturally give us the ability to listen and understand the Ticos in Spanish. Yet that's not all that we need to listen to. What's more important is what their hearts are saying. I want to be able to hear what these people are saying, even through the language barrier, so that I can meet them where they are at and allow God to move through me.
Will You touch my mind so I can know?
There's so much stuff about God and about the Bible that I don't know and will never fully understand (until Heaven). Yet I know there's a lot that I will learn between now and the time I get to see Jesus. My prayer is that each and every one of us will have a better understanding of who God is and who we are in Him by the time we return home in August.
Will You touch my heart so I can love You more?
This one is huge. The first commandment is to love God with all of our heart. Jesus explained this much about Judgement Day: the sheep and the goats will be separated. To the sheep, God will say, "For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me...whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." (Matthew 25:35-40) So, while we are down in Costa Rica, or wherever you are going, that's what we will be doing. And we will be blessed. That's how we can love Him more--take care of His people.
I'm so excited for this trip to start that I'm having a hard time focusing on everything else. Yet I know that my heart is not ready yet for what God has planned, so the time that is left is a blessing. I don't want to go into this and not be ready to be blown away by God. I don't want to miss anything. I want to be soaked, drenched, overwhelmed by Him amazing grace and love. This is my prayer for all of us.
I'm excited to meet you all! Stay grounded in the Word and allow God to prepare your hearts for this trip. May God bless your socks off!
~Mariah | | |
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